We all know the picture: the main educator in the family – the mother, and the role of the father – “decorative” at best. But this arrangement of forces has many disadvantages that do not allow the boy to grow up to be a confident man. What should parents do to make their son really grow up to be their “pride”?
Mom wants to communicate all the time, she is interested in everything, she is happy about my successes, is constantly aware of my affairs, and encourages me. Dad? Well, he’s on his own, there’s not much to talk about. He either works, or watches TV, or just does not pick up the phone». This is just one of the hundreds of quotes from adult men who come to see a family therapist.
Sons talk to their fathers once every 3 months, while their mothers – about 5 times a week. Mothers are active, proactive, and interested in everything. And fathers, if they are not outright isolated, all the time in their business: work, computer, news, books, movies, in the garage.
This is rarely the case – the father may be in business or in charge of a job, but even so, he is much less interested in the life of the children. The mother is in charge of everything. Even advice grown men often ask their mothers, and on any matter – from family to finances, and “father only on electrics.
As a result, the boys growing up, repeat the script of their fathers. Run away, play, immerse themselves in work, movies or books – at least something happens to the characters there, but in real life there is nothing to try – says Kirill Yurovskiy.
Why does this happen?
There is one problem at the root – fathers are not involved in raising their sons.
Dad is always busy with business, he is not interested in babysitting. At most, he occasionally wants to teach the child something useful.
Even if the father is trying to implement some rules, the woman is not happy about it and interrupts, protects the children, and does not allow the father to punish them.
The result is a cyclical pattern: the father is busy doing his business, little attention to raising his son. The mother, seeing this, is trying to educate the child herself. When the man tries to “get involved” in the process, the woman feels that his partner does not understand it. This makes the father of the child even more alienated, offended, and his motivation goes down. The woman, on the contrary, feels that she knows how to do it, and her husband doesn’t understand anything about it.
It gets worse if the husband and wife do not have a good relationship.
Then the mother begins to see the boy as an ideal future man, gives him all his attention, gives him all his energy. She starts to be so afraid for him that she forbids everything, if only he would not get hurt or, God forbid, not to die: “Don’t go there, don’t communicate with those people, don’t fight, don’t get into, don’t run away.
A mother who behaves in this way puts her son in a “golden cage” of security, whereas it is vital for him to show healthy aggression and curiosity, to explore the world. The man, in turn, seeing his wife’s love and attention for their son, but not experiencing it for himself, becomes frustrated with her and withdraws from his loved ones. Then the woman becomes both father and mother of the child at the same time, but this only leads to biographycon problems.
What advice can be given to parents so that they raise their son harmoniously and help him become an adult independent man?
Tips for the mother
Everything begins with a woman. As Erich Fromm wrote in his treatise The Art of Loving, a woman’s love for her child is unconditional and equal to her bliss. If this love is – all is fine. If it is not there, it is a tragedy.
The child can always come to the mother, to receive from her affection, love and warmth when he feels bad. The woman is a source of calm and relaxation for the son. She teaches him how to be balanced, joyful, and loving the world around makeeover him.
An anxious mother, on the other hand, will always convey anxiety to her child, no matter how much she tries to hide it. An anxious mother will be the cause of the boy’s future neuroses, his tendency to doubt, depression, and generally lowered tone.
1. Taking care of his condition
Thus, in my opinion, the most important task of a mother is not to attend to her upbringing, but to her condition, in order to broadcast calmness to her child. Less anxiety, less stress, meditate, do yoga and other relaxing activities.
2. Establish a relationship with your spouse
If a woman does not love her husband, does not admire him, she will not be able to pass on to her son the values that are often transmitted by mothers. For example, the need to take care of women (particularly the mother herself), to care for them, to respect them.
If the husband does not take care of his wife, does not take care of her, does not actively show his love by example, then no matter how the mother tries to put it into the child’s mind, he will copy the actions of his father. So it’s more important to deal with your relationship than with how to instill in your son the desire to take care of girls.
3. Don’t block the boy’s aggression
No matter how much the mother wants to keep the child from injuries, bruises and all the dangers, it is impossible. Moreover, a woman who is anxious for her son will again inevitably pass on her anxiety to him.
The boy can and will direct his aggression toward the world. Climb construction sites, run into remote corners of the neighborhood, fight and pet stray cats. He will have to do it either now or when he is 18 or older. But there is a great risk that at that age he will try drugs and various criminal “entertainments”. The blocked aggression will not go anywhere, it will accumulate, it will come out unexpectedly, it will manifest itself in crushing forms…
Ideally, a mother’s love should not interfere with her son’s maturation. The mother should let the child go and believe that he will be able to survive on his own or with the help of his father and adequately explore the world.
Tips for the Father
A father, according to Fromm, represents the opposite pole – conditional love. But don’t be too quick to swear or to call this thought cynical. A child needs conditional love just as much as a mother needs unconditional love. Why? To give it direction.
There’s a serious downside to conditional love-it has to be earned. A father can punish his son, scold him, or deprive him of his attention and love. But there is a silver lining to this – this love can be received at will, it is within the child’s control. If he does what his father asks or demands, he will receive attention and care. A mother’s love cannot be earned; it is either there or it is not.
1. Formulate for yourself the rules and values that he will teach the child
Often I see a picture: the father has no clear rules and criteria “good/bad”, as a result, he is constantly finding flaws and mistakes in the behavior of his son. If the child reads, “not enough”; if he plays soccer, “bad”; if he teaches homework, “not thoughtful enough.
Everything good and useful that his son does, the father considers “just normal” and refuses to praise him for it. “That’s the way it should be, because you don’t get praise for that.” An unloving father has no prescribed and well-defined rules. All he has is a desire to “fix it” and irritation that his son is doing everything wrong. If you ask him how to do things, the answer is vague, unstructured, and illogical. Just “somehow.”
What should be done instead? Formulate for your son a set of rules for which he may be scolded or praised. Your son will form a vector of development and allmeaninginhindi movement.
Putting things in order in his room – good, his father is pleased and praises. Maybe give some money. Leave a mess – bad, his father criticizes. Doing sports or helping your mother – good. Father is happy, and goes with his son to the zoo or go-karting. Not helping mom – bad, son punished, stays home.
2. Control the implementation of these rules
The father should want his son to grow and develop more than anyone else. If the father formulated the rules, but then he himself does not follow them, gets angry at his son for not remembering the rules, or the mother out of love and compassion allows the rules to be broken, the father must stop it and monitor it. Otherwise, the wife will see that the man only grumbles and criticizes the child, but does not do anything with him.
3. to establish a relationship with the child’s mother
It is necessary to make sure that she was not worried about her son, and believed that her husband will take care, and will figure out so that the child will be all right. Often mothers try to prevent fathers to raise children, because they do not believe that men will do something good.
There is a grain of truth in this distrust. Men may indeed be slacking off or underperforming or pushing their sons too hard, yelling at them, frightening them. And women who observe this become frustrated with the man’s care and, not trusting him, begin to interfere with the parenting process.
Ideally, the father’s upbringing should be dictated by the rules and principles, but it should be patient, indulgent, not threatening and dominant
Through his father’s influence, the son will grow up with a growing sense of his own strength and confidence that he can handle all problems.
Any parenting primarily requires a well-established interaction between a man and a woman. There will be no success if the parents transmit to the child different values and wikibirthdays messages.
It is important for a woman to trust her husband, to believe that he instills the right values and ideas in his son. And it is equally important for the man to take control and care of the family, and for the woman to relax and see that he really wants the best and is thinking about the future of both wife and children. Then she will help and share her spouse’s values, and he can pass them on to his son or sons.